I read VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About The Marriage Of Heirs, Their Wives, Sex, Home, And Neil Chethik’s Engagement. Chethik is an author who first interviewed 70 husbands, then worked with Dr. Ronalld Langley at the University of Kentucky’s Survey Research Center to include nearly 300 husbands.
I’m going to share a few goodies that I found in the book that I think are particularly interesting. I’m not saying that I agree with everything; I am the messenger here! This book focuses on heterosexual marriages, so I’ll write about it that way.
I’ll start with the conclusions he came to and then come back to some of the points raised earlier in the book.
1. Chethik points out at the beginning of the book that husbands are often judged on the style of female love – sharing feelings – and that men’s style of love is about sharing space.
Sharing space, for example, can be a husband wanting his
woman to be there while he does a home improvement project. (p.231)
2. The female style is about speaking while improving the relationship, while the male style is about doing something to improve the relationship. Some husbands have said that staying late at work is seen by them as proof of his love for his wife. Then he’s surprised by her reaction when he comes home from “What did you do for me today?” (p.232-233)[ThisisahugeproblemintheSiliconValley[ThisisahugeissueinSiliconValley[C’estunÃ©normeproblÃ¨medanslaSiliconValley[ThisisahugeissueinSiliconValley
3. There is a lot of research to support that women are brought up for face to face interactions and this is what many women experience as intimacy; and that men’s privacy is side by side, playing or watching sports together, working on a project or hiking together. Chethik goes on to say that for many men, eye contact is considered aggressive and maybe even a challenge. Husbands have indicated that they like to walk with their spouse, so they are side by side. (p.233-234)
Chetnik said that many husbands feel guilty about what is wrong with their marriage, and this may be based on the fact that the bar is set at the level of female style of love.
I will note that I tell clients that they are both responsible and both have to work to heal the relationship. I am not interested in the blame. . .
Anyway, let’s get back to the information that caught my eye (all taken from the book):
– The relationship of a husband with his wife remains the most important aspect of his life. (p.2)
-. . . most husbands are well aware of the state of their unions, even if they are at times quite perplexed and grieved. (p.2)
– They recognize that marriage takes work and that work pays. (p.3)
– A man who knows within a month of meeting a woman he wants to marry her is likely to be happier in the marriage than a man who takes longer to decide. (p.22)
-. . . Men and women in today’s marriage market would be more successful if they focused “less on finding the right partner than on being the right partner.” (p.25)
– The goal of having a soul mate is good, but it is a “lifelong goal”. This is not a realistic goal in the pursuit of a spouse. (p.25)
– Michael Meade says marriage is on. . . promise to sacrifice their personal needs and wants for something greater than themselves. The struggle to keep this promise is the challenge of virtually every married man. (p.53)
– For many husbands, success at work remains the biggest and clearest measure of their worth. . . ready to work harder and longer. . . and fulfill their “duty” as a husband. (p.63)
-. . . being married, not time spent with their wives, which gives them a sense of security and satisfaction. (p.63)
– Regarding the argument: Many men have said that the best strategy for them is to give in to their wives’ wishes. (p.68)[Therapisthere:?????!!!!Thisisusuallynotagoodlong-termstrategyforanyoftheotherspouses[Therapisthere:?????!!!!Notusuallyagoodlong-termstrategyforeitherspouse[ThÃ©rapeuteici:?????!!!!Cen’estgÃ©nÃ©ralementpasunebonnestratÃ©gieÃ longtermepourl’unoul’autredesconjoints[Therapisthere:?????!!!!Notusuallyagoodlong-termstrategyforeitherspouse
– One of the reasons given by many women for not wanting to have sex with their husbands is that men are not able to turn them on and satisfy them. And on this point, men tend to agree. (p.136)
“Terrance Real,” a marriage counselor told Chethik. . . Men can be more effective at expressing their anger at their wives using words. . . for example, “I’m angry because” and yelling is a boundary violation. (p.180)
– On reparation after an argument: a husband says: “I’m sorry, ask her how she is and tell her that I love her.” It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You have to reach. (p.182)
I think it’s a book worth reading. Couple’s Net says, Check it out!
I missed you last week on a road trip in Washington. Here are some pictures (I don’t know why they are aside! Sorry):
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